Baby Mama Drama? You can make it stop.

In theory there is no longer a social stigma for having children out outside of marriage. However, unwed fathers suffer more legal punishments than they could have ever imagined. If an unmarried couple with children breaks up, the father is often left out in the cold. Besides the general heartbreak of a relationship gone bad, the father is almost always separated from his children. And then, typically, the mother makes all of the parenting decisions by herself. If the mother truly has the best interests of the children in mind, she will allow the father to spend as much time as possible with the children so that the children are not needlessly traumatized by the separation.

It is a fact of modern life that sometimes relationships don't last, and quite often children are raised by a single parent. With the parents and extended family all working together to do the right thing for the children  -- children adjust.

Unfortunately, even despite good intentions, people do the wrong things. After a break up there is almost always hurt feelings between the couple, and they may forget their first priority is caring for their children. I hate to say, but it is often the mother who will keep the children from the father for capricious reasons. I also hate to say that the fathers may resent the break up and make only minimal efforts to stay in touch with their children.

After the break up things may go along this way with no court intervention and little constructive guidance. The mother may grow resentful at the expense of raising children without the father's financial support, and disallow visits unless he pays. The father often feels that the money that he gives the mother for child support is not being spent on the children anyway, so why bother?

Out of frustration or disdain the mother may seek financial help from the government. She might apply for medicaid for the children; food stamps; and cash assistance. During the application process the mother must disclose the identity of the father. Since there is no court order for child support the government will set about putting a court order in place. The government entity in Florida which is designated to collect and enforce child support is the Florida Department of Revenue (DOR).

There is a court hearing of sorts -- sometimes. Some fathers only receive a notice in the mail and never have a say at all. When there is a DOR Administrative hearing it is in front of a General Magistrate who is appointed to hear uncontested family law matters. A General Magistrate is an attorney appointed by the Chief Judge, and has not been elected. Since it is the business of the General Magistrate to hear only uncontested family law matters, no argument is allowed. If the father brings up the fact that the mother is not allowing him to see his children at all, the General Magistrate does nothing. This hearing is not for the purpose of visitation or timesharing -- only child support. The father is told to hire an attorney if he wants to see his children. Now the father is doubly confused and frustrated. He thought he was coming to court to have a chance to set up visitation, and finds out that all they want is his money.

The father may contact attorneys for help. He is again frustrated when he discovers that he needs to pay a $1500 - $3000 retainer and then they'll see what they can do. For many, this amount, in addition to the child support ordered is out of reach, an impossibility. At this point, he may give up altogether, and hope and pray that he can get along with the mother well enough that she will allow him to see his kids. Sometimes this works for a while -- sometimes this arrangement lasts years.

When and if this arrangement unravels, the father is again left out in the cold. Many fathers find themselves faithfully paying support and have no contact whatsoever with their children. The government, the courts, and the Department of Revenue, specifically do nothing to alleviate the pain. The children are often deprived of contact with their fathers for no reason other than the father does not know what he can legally do to gain access to his children; and the father cannot afford an attorney. The guidelines for all of the legal aid societies throughout the state are so narrow that it is nearly impossible for a father in this situation to get any free or low cost legal assistance.

Finally out of desperation the father searches for an answer. Sometimes he has lost his job, and knows that he may go to jail if he cannot pay his support. Other times there is a new man in his ex's life and access to his children has been sharply curtailed. Or the mother has applied for an increase in child support. After asking everyone he knows, and multiple internet searches he finds the answer.

The form that is central to his goal is called: Petition to Determine Paternity and Related Relief. The name of the form is so confusing and deceiving, he would never have thought of looking for something with that name. That form and other family law forms are available as free downloads on the Florida Supreme Court's website. Once the father has an order from a judge, naming him as the legal father, he can exercise his paternal rights. He will no longer be at the will of a capricious ex-girlfriend. He can see his children and become involved with their lives without fear that the mother will change her mind at the last minute, and deny him.

The name of the form is so counter intuitive that often even when fathers find the form, or are told of the process skepticism remains. A father may well wonder why he should petition for paternity when there is no question of his paternity. He often wonders whether a DNA test is required. He knows his name is on the birth certificate and he is paying child support so why would he need to petition for paternity? All good questions, and we don't know all the answers. We don't know why they named the form or the process something so obscure. Only if the mother disputes paternity will a DNA test be needed.

The easiest way to understand what the form and procedure is all about is: Petition to Determine Paternity and Related Relief is like a divorce for people who were never married and had a child together. The outcome is a court order stating that the father is the legal father. A Parenting Plan, the schedule of visitation, is usually filed along with these documents.

Florida legal document preparers can help pro se litigants prepare these forms. Or pro se litigants can do it completely by themselves.